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Featured News / Mongolia News / Politics / April 1, 2015

Mongolia Announces Military Policy Shift

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  • Third, Fourth and Fifth Neighbours to be invaded and pacified if necessary
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Responding to growing geopolitical uncertainty in the Middle East, Mongolia announced new strategic steps to protect its strategic interests, and restore peace to warring peoples.

Speaking at field manoeuvring exercise of the 3rd Regimental Combat Team – Camel (RCTC), General Bold-astheycome, said: “We cannot sit idly by as the world goes to hell. Clearly we have a role to play. We have all the right military assets in place – our armoured camel divisions are highly skilled at covert operations in the desert, and indeed in the Middle East – who else can bring peace but the Khans?! We will be bringing them peace whether they like it or not.”

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Presenting the Gattling Camel V2.5, king of the deserts

He noted that the forces had a long history in the region, and in fact the camel motif is frequently seen in Persian carpets – showcasing the force’s long history in the region.

Mongolia has recently completed an upgrade of all its camels to the latest ‘Bactrian’ specification (signifying bacteriological capability), making them superbly equipped to handle biological warfare – a sample of droppings from them is enough the clear the battlefield for miles in any direction.

Armoured camel platoon commander, Major Bat-blind-as-a, said: “The double hump upgrade is the bee’s knees, none of the sliding off the one-hump nonsense. This equipment is designed for superior off-road performance – and as we know, since the Americans landed in the Middle East all the roads have been blown up.”

Following the lead of the great powers, Mongolia also announced a step in the M.A.D direction with nuclear forces being built up to deal with any silliness on its borders or anywhere else.

“The double hump upgrade is the bee’s knees, none of the sliding off the one-hump nonsense. This equipment is designed for superior off-road performance – and as we know, since the Americans landed in the Middle East all the roads have been blown up.”

Explaining the new strategy, Minister for Unfunded Projects, Bold-lygoingnowhere said, “We did not realize till very recently that we had consultants right here in Ulaanbaatar who could help us with these matters. Aptly named M.A.D Consulting offers strategies and projects that will take anyone down with them. It’s incredible what they can do with a few Macbooks and access to enriched plutonium.”

The Great Leader applauds Mongolia's stance against the imperialist tyrant

The Great Leader applauds Mongolia’s stance against the imperialist tyrant

Speaking on the appointment, Mr. Crikey de Grab-on, spokesperson for the M.A.D. Organization said: “We are delighted with the appointment, of course. It’s quite a relief to be recognized for what we are offering. You would think that with an office halfway between China and Russia it wouldn’t be too hard to get in on the old nuclear proliferation deal – but here we are, wot?!”

“We did not realize till very recently that we had consultants right here in Ulaanbaatar who could help us with these matters. Aptly named M.A.D Consulting offers strategies and projects that will take anyone down with them. It’s incredible what they can do with a few Macbooks and access to enriched plutonium.”

Participating in a protest on the current climate outside the State Department Store – Jimmy (a self-described proud Mongol descendant) said: “It’s astonishing to see our third, fourth and fifth neighbours behaving this way – there simply isn’t any sense of community anymore. We must act!”

However, Jimmy was soon shoved away by the protesters who were hoping to make a point on climate change. The leader of the protest, a national environmentalist going by the nom de guerre Yo-Chef Gobbles said, “It’s ridiculous, he’s not Mongolian – he’s a foreign agent sent to derail our protest. We want to talk about climate change. We have tried everything – pollution, greenhouse gasses, deforestation – and nothing changes, it’s still too bloody cold!”

Please note that this article is intended as an April’s fool article and is not meant to be taken seriously. The event or situations it depicts are purely fictional and bear no resemblance to any real life situation.

SOURCE: M.A.D. April's Fool




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