As the first quarter of trading closed last night, the MSE revealed that it has had its worst quarter of earnings since its opening 24 years ago. With an average daily trading volume of just 7 shares for the quarter, the MSE has seen profits fall, but more importantly, has seen a significant loss of confidence among traders and investors. “For an exchange that saw the second largest growth in market capitalization in the world in 2011, we were shocked and dismayed to see such a poor quarter,” said G. Enkhbold, a veteran trader for the MSE. “We were especially disappointed given the recent excitement surrounding the new Securities Market Law,” Enkhbold added.
In reaction to the difficult quarter, the exchange has announced that it is launching a new, alternative program to improve the efficiency of its traders and to deliver betters results to its investors. Termed the “Bike Path to Success,” this new program involves the use of bicycle driven electricity generators to power the computers used by the exchange. According to B. Bold, the 19-year-old member of the MSE’s Board of Directors who first came up with the idea, “I’m stoked that my idea has been approved! Not only will the Bike Path to Success lower energy costs for the exchange, but the exercise will also expand the traders’ brain function and help them to improve the quality of their work.” Citing the Wikipedia page he read on the neurobiological effects of physical exercise, he went on to explain how he presented his study to the exchange’s board, which overwhelmingly supported the plan.
“For an exchange that saw the second largest growth in market capitalization in the world in 2011, we were shocked and dismayed to see such a poor quarter” G. Enkhbold
The Bike Path to Success has also received overwhelming support from both the Ministry of Finance and the Ministry for Extraordinary things, which have both offered to subsidize the purchase of the $200 million worth of bikes. “We see this project as a way to kill two marmots with one stone,” exclaimed Mr. Batbold, the Minister for Extraordinary things. “By using this green technology to produce the electricity needed to run the exchange, the MSE can cut costs while contributing much needed electricity to our already stretched energy grid.” With the CPH5 plant suffering massive delays, Mr. Batbold went on to explain how the ministry has been exploring ways to replace the power plant project with an alternative source of electricity, claiming that if the bike program is successful the Mongolian Government may even begin purchasing power from the MSE.
At this moment it is unclear from which manufacturer these bikes will be purchased. However, an insider close to the MSE Board of Directors, who has requested that his name not be mentioned due to the sensitivity of his information, has indicated that an Afghani producer called Talibikes is the frontrunner due to their “successful track record in producing bike powered IEDs (improvised explosive devices) and RPGs (rocket propelled grenades).”
“Why can’t we look at things for the MSE like hosting children’s birthday parties or having weekly bake sales?” Bold
So far, investors seem pleased with the new program, but questions still linger about the costs associated with connecting the computers to the bicycle powered generators. Nonetheless, many view this program as the beginning of a new age of reform and innovation for the MSE and are excited about the spillover effects that this program can have on other sectors in Mongolia. As Bold excitedly claimed, “I’m exploring some other cost cutting ideas as well, I mean, why can’t we look at things for the MSE like hosting children’s birthday parties or having weekly bake sales? Come on, get excited! It’s about time we start to innovate in Mongolia and get the wheels moving in this country!”
Please note that this article is intended as an April’s fool article and is not meant to be taken seriously. The event or situations it depicts are purely fictional and bear no resemblance to any real life situation.SOURCE: M.A.D. Newswire April's Fool